Three-ways. The right way, the wrong way, and the Unsexy way

I have a hunch that the parties in question could be reading this and I just want to let them know that the title is in no way an exaggeration. Let us consider some of the key events of the particular night.

1. My original date was meant to be with a super hot, spunky okcupid lady. Win

2. I met her awesomely pragmatic, opinionated guy friend and we all went to a Pirate themed restaurant where we were assaulted by drunks and pirates. DOUBLE WIN.

3. I unleashed the awesome fury of my art through bath tub fingerpaint soap(got it for 5 bucks at BB&B) by which hot lady and pragmatic guy friend followed suit, a rinse in the shower was inevitable. A+

So, understand that even before a playful romp could commence, pretty exciting elements were already in the making for a perfect night. A night that more than successfully drew my mind out of the ugly prospect of moving very tiny hours later. I won’t go into the more sordid details of the evening but will instead take a look at some of the do’s and don’ts of the threesome concocting:

The Right Way: Playing games to keep everything casual. I’m a huge fan of the Strip Game which is the idea that any game can be made into a stripping one. Strip Trouble, Strip Boggle, Strip Go Fish, Strip Scrabble – let your imagination run wild. Strip Boggle is a good one due to its absolute absurdity and before you know it everyone’s laughing and carrying on in their undies.

The Wrong Way: Drinking games that inevitably end up bad. No question, alcohol is a great way to ease into a sexier mindset. Getting downright shit-housed will probably lead to bad sex, someone barfing in the middle of bad sex, or sleeping in the barf in the middle of bad sex.

The Right Way: Massages and Sesame Street brand bathtub finger paint (apparently)

The Right Way: Sexual conversation.

The Wrong Way: Being a dick. You have before you two beautiful black women ready to fuck you and each other senseless, it’s probably the worst time to hint at your pasty ass being the “Master Race”. Also, unless previously specified, don’t awkwardly order people to do your bidding. In the sense of everyone having a casual conversation and you interjecting with “I think it’s time for sex now.” These things can’t rushed; don’t be a dick.

That’s all I can think of for now. Even if every situation is different, I strongly believe that the smooth transition from third wheel to threesome is great atmosphere and laughter. Though it’s likely not everyone’s formula follows lady+guy+pirates+fingerpaint = balls to wall awesome night.

safety first!

The friendly folks at Condomdepot offer a wide variety of condoms, lube, toys, and other fun things.  I’ve ordered from them twice before, in the range of 2000-5000 condoms, on behalf of my beloved campus women’s group.

Jennifer and John there were always very helpful, as were the annual Condom Reviews.  Once I decided to order Durex condoms, the reviews helped me pick out which varieties I wanted.

Both Consumer Reports and the human testers rated Durex Extra Sensitive at or near the top of the condom field.  And hands down, these are the office favorite.  No funny colors or smells, and M. Hovary reports these don’t lessen sensation as much as other condoms do.  They’re also stocked at many major drugstores.

We also tried Durex High Sensation, Her Sensation and the Love condoms.  Durex Love was the 2nd most popular.  They’re pink/red, which is a little strange to me, but otherwise fine.

Durex Her Sensation condoms are blue and smell fruity, which some friends found off-putting while other online reviewers liked it.  The Durex High Sensations were red and smelled like cinnamon chewing gum.

CondomDepot offers regular boxes of condoms, as well as packs of 50, 100, 250, 500, and 1000.  I’m considering buying a large box, as this will be more economical than the boxes at the drugstore.

Anyone want to chip in for a box of 250?  It comes out to 20 cents a condom.

Sex News: Unimportant, but Interesting

This week’s been full of some very important news but maybe, like me you just want to indulge in the sexier, non-political articles of the week. Here are a few:

Bisexuality is in [again], blame Katy Perry -I thought this was into a trend after Madonna and Britney kissed oh so long ago. Now I hear it’s back, but when did it ever leave?

Enzyte doesn’t work, Bob was a fraud! - I’ll certainly miss Bob’s disconcertingly high amount of joy and happiness to the dismay of his less endowed, [insert joke about wood here] male friends.

Condom lube solves acne problems for Cambodian women – One can only guess as to how they figured this out.

Jenna Jameson’s Having a Baby! – I feel like this won’t negatively affect her porn sales.

Stop Bird Porn – Probably fake but hilarious, regardless.

Test Your Erotic Knowledge – You’re not likely to know any of the answers – I didn’t. But these little tidbits are really interesting, you can learn about what people are doing to protect various sexual freedoms and so forth.

The Abominable Art of the Flirt

Dismissed!

I hate getting hit on these days. Where’s the romance? The suaveness? The tact? The respect? I feel like of late pick up lines are being hurled at me just as violently and maddeningly as insults.

The honks – I can’t believe people still do this. What exactly is the objective anyway? You get my attention and then what? Unless you plan on pulling over or honking out your phone number via morse code, the honk gets absolutely nothing accomplished except to leave you looking like a jerk. More often than not, the honk will scare me, causing my to jump out of my skin and leave me livid instead of even remotely enamored.

Cat calls and other “calls”: If you have to YELL at me to get my attention, then maybe you’re not in the right mind set to be picking me up at that moment. Better yet, the yells to follow up the previous transgressions; they usually go something like “HEY DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME?!” Those sound like threats to me. One young gent even gave further follow up “Hey I still didn’t get your number”. Yes, why thank you, I didn’t even notice that I didn’t give you my number, my bad. Why not just take the time to walk up to me and talk to me like a human being and not like your disobedient dog.

Third grade tactics – You know this. Someone will come up to me and tell me his friend likes me. Seriously? What’s his problem that he can’t handle the issue himself? Chances are I’ve run into this person and he just awkwardly stared at me while I was busy being hot shit. Grow a pair.

And my readers might think that these high standards would exclude anyone trying to hit on me in this day and age. Not true. Some people still manage to seduce me through a lovely conversation or an innocent compliment. This is proof that my existence on this planet doesn’t entitle anyone to treat me like crap.

everything seemed to be going so well

There might be something wrong if I’m too busy to get laid.

I don’t have classes and assignments.  I kind of have a social life.  I work quite a bit.

Is this adulthood?

If BF doesn’t dump me by then, October should bring free time and gentleman callers.  Happy dry spell!

Medicinal Masturbation

Good gravy, do I love alliterative blog titles. Alliteraphilia? Who knows.

I Love Jacking Off *WINK*

Anyhow.

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I must look for alternative housing in the next week. In DC. I am livid about this. These circumstances are mostly due to my landlord who has upset me to the point of blurred vision, undue stress, and a severely reduced appetite (this only happens when I’ve suffered asthma and/or panic attacks).

So, I looked to my arsenal of sex toys and a night to myself to relieve my tension but found that I couldn’t even do that. I like to think that I have the uncanny ability to masturbate in nearly every situation – school, work, car, during lady times, while I’m sick, when I’m tired, and beyond. Yet, in the comfort of my own….well maybe not so much. My nasty landlord violated my privacy and maybe that thought got in the way of my orgasms. Which, in a terribly ironic way, makes me so angry that the whole situation is just counterproductive and I end up more f*cking pissed off than before. And to top it off there isn’t even any good sex news to console me!

Sigh.

This is what happens when fetishes go unindulged

Is this sexy?

Fetishists resort to stealing to fulfill their sexual urges.

One man attacked a girl to wrestle a shoe from her foot and another steals women’s lingerie from their apartments. The former gets to wear an ankle device and adhere to a curfew, the latter has yet to be apprehended but he’s bound to get caught sooner or later.

It’s hard to imagine myself robbing or assaulting someone to sate any of my fetishes but that’s because I always get what I want.

Government Spends $$$ To Find Out If Women Like Porn

The Article on ABC News

Or don’t read it, all you need to know is that the National Institute of Health (NIH)  gave $147,000 to Northwestern University to help them find out the effects porn has on women.

Upon reading it I didn’t really think about if this was too much money or what the study found or if the experiments make any sense. Reading it, I couldn’t help but think what the government gets out of the findings. Still knee deep in the Kinsey biography, I note that Kinsey got his money mostly because of the vicious spread of VD and the government’s interest in sexual deviancy (and hope to “cure” it). There were a few supporters who were genuinely interested in the study for study’s sake but I can’t imagine that’s the case anymore.

So, women like porn and?…now they’ll be too busy masturbating to it to have babies?! I don’t know! What on Earth justifies $147,000 to the NIH? Does porn cure cancer? Do women who watch porn turn into lesbians or nymphomaniacs? I just don’t know why NIH wants this information and I’m dying to know. Maybe I don’t trust my government to just want this study performed for the sake of women everywhere who want to know what other women are up to when it comes to Throbbin Hood or Lord of the O Ring.

I demand answers!

Being PC with Fetishes – What Does That Even Mean?

 

Between reading the Encyclopedia of Unusual Fetishes (yes, the whole thing), blog posts on various fetishes and a biography of Alfred Kinsey, I’ve seen a myriad of ways to interpret fetishes and wondered how to do so myself.

 

Should I ever actually become a sexologist or sex therapist it will become crucial to see them objectively though, hearing about some of the more…outlandish ones, this is tough to take a stance on. Take a foot fetish for example, this is a fetish generally considered odd if not gross (bring in up in any conversation and count the number of “ews”) but I happen to know a lot of fellows who tell me, always one-on-one, about this fetish they have. That, if it weren’t for the ews, they’d indulge a lot more often. And why was my post on underarm fetishes so damn popular? My number one guess is that readers could relate to the experience in someway or were looking to justify their own lust for armpits.

 

What is even outlandish anymore? I used to think the aforementioned fetishes were at one time – now, not so much.

 

Some paraphilias, like masochism or vincilagnia (being tied up), make perfect sense to me while menophilia (arousal from menses) and others don’t. I hope that the path to understanding includes changing my perspective in a way that might accommodate the people who come to me for advice and solace and relief.

 

BTW: Menophilia is starting to make sense for me – I’m probably close to my horniest during that special time and my skin becomes especially sensitive in some crucial areas.

 

Hm.

Birth Control Bonanza: How I Hate the Recession

 

It’s important to note that when it comes to birth control, I’ve tried pretty much the gamut of what’s out there – various oral contraceptives, all sorts of condoms, the patch, and the shot. I’ve gotta say, BC is really just plain annoying – simply wishing conception away would be ideal – but in addition to being annoying, it’s terribly expensive if you like to have sex at all.

Compounded with whatever economic chicanery is making everything expensive and the Deficit Reduction Act of 2005 (how is BC not a priority for low income families??!?!1), BC is gradually turning into a sort of frenemy that I come to resent more and more.

 

As much as I love the brand I’m on now, I’ve considered ditching it for the sake of more produce on my grocery bill and a decent pair of work shoes. I did some [probably faulty] math though and it turns out that the cost of condoms (a trustworthy brand name) would actually exceed that of the pill.

 

So, what’s next? The pull-out method? Halved lemon rinds and pig bladders? Prayer? I have to speculate that along with a great deal of other fucked up shit, this recession will leave us with more unwanted children unless we all collectively decide to stop having sex. The one thought that fills me with hope is that I’m a shitty makeshift economist who is fantastically wrong and the birth control will run wild and free throughout the nation on the other side of this economic downturn.

 

And on an even lighter note, I’m glad to hear about middle schools/high schools offering free birth control and, knowing that my parents’ insurance will run out soon, I can pay a surprise, midnight, crowbar-armed visit when mine runs out.