Archive for the ‘Advice’ Category


Played with Fire, Got Burned, Whatever Whatever

January 9, 2010

It’s inevitable. In the world of BDSM, you’re gunna encounter crazies because not everyone comes into the lifestyle the way they should. Some of us are lucky enough to have that safe, sane, consensual kinky lover who opens us up and reaveals  and molds the kink there. Some, after tolerating the vanilla world long enough, stumble upon porn or literature that presents something new and exciting to try with the next partner. But alas, some – far too many in fact –  come from abuse, mental illness, usually and but also or insecurity.

I’d come across the latter before, and this was normally in the form of someone else’s problem er, I mean, partner. I heard horror stories of all kinds and was wary. But, after a number of play partners who were strong and stable, I became soft and let my guard down.

That’a how we come into the recent past where I started dating a submissive, young woman named, let’s say, Elle. In my defense, I suspected that from day one, Elle was a little insane. She called me at all hours, several times a day after our first date. She expressed being hurt that she was crazy about me but I didn’t return the sentiment…after the first date. She was frustatingly indirect and passive aggressive with me but insisted otherwise. Before our second date even, I said I was done with her because of the number of calls and demands.

But somehow we became fuck buddies – admittedly I was starved for sex at the time and happy to have a petite, masochistic body to play with. Actually, this may have been my first encounter with someone who genuinely enjoyed physical pain. I could slide my nails through her skin, bite, slap, pull and stretch her and she cried breathlessly for more. Had the craziness not persisted, knife and piercing play probably would have been in our near future. But tendencies like talking and acting like a four-year old child, jealousy, and the kind of emotional attachmant that tends toward obsession started to diminish any attraction to her.

Finally, after putting her job in jeopardy to see me and me not wanting to officially date her (or say those three words), the upper limit of crazy was reached: the insincere suicide threat. She said that she had never considered committing suicide before but, because no one loves her now,  she wants to do it. No no…I think she said “I don’t want to but there’s nothing else to do since no one loves me”  I freaked out and I talked about it with her for some time. It became more and more clear that she had no intention of committing suicide but I played along for a few more hours. At some point she left, saying I didn’t care enough about her or some such nonsense. Anyway, within five hours she told me that I wouldn’t want to see her again cause she’s crazy, that she had no intention to commit suicide ever, she berated me for not caring about her enough and finally she said that she got tickts for us to go on vacation for a week together next month.

Seriously? No. Not in your hare-brained life. I told her as much and that I never wanted to see her again. She said that as an aspiring counselor I should be able to deal with someone like her, someone with emotional issues. Never would I want potential patient and a lover to be the same person. Not ever.

So, anyway, I’m wary again


Catching up (Dan Savage, More Armpit Sex Stuff, blah blah blah)

February 18, 2009

I can’t believe that it’s been just over a week since I went to a Dan Savage lecture and have yet to post about it. A part of me was waiting for the co-author to sign in but I suppose the Bystander effect took hold and nobody did anything….UNTIL NOW

So Mme Hovary and I went to see the acclaimed and perhap notorious Dan Savage speak at UMCP and get our books signed. In case you didn’t armpitloveknow, Dan Savage is a sex columnist (and author and journalist) who tends to address more…alternative sex questions with a forthrightness and fervor that I often compare to Dr. Phil’s commentary on his show. So, like his column, the lecture was in Q&A format. My question begged to know why the Armpit post of this blog is the most active. He first mentioned how the lack of articles on the armpit fetish drove many readers to the post and then went into the stigma attached to underarms in American culture. Apparently, one of the attractions to the undeodorized armpit include a cocktail of pheremones that can let a partner know what kind of sexual being the armpit owner is.

He also referred to a study (I’m dying to find it now) that found that couples are so attracted to a particular body scent chemistry that altering it with a new deod0rant or frangrance can lead to trouble between them. So, it would seem that there’s a delicate balance between pit pheremones and BO but keeping a healthy, clean lifestyle can ensure that the former gets the attention of a worthy mate.

Good times AND I got my book signed with blessings toward my sexology pursuits. I IMPLORE Mme Hovary to post the quotes from that glorious night.

“Good luck stealing my job”  – Dan Savage

Also, I won a bag of Cheetos for my question on cock rings. KAKOW!


Sex on a budget

January 14, 2009

Recently purchased a box of 50 condoms from  At $17.50, they’re the same price as the 24-pack at the drugstore.

I ordered the Durex Extra Sensatives, and was pleased with the free, fast shipping.  And they come in a plain brown box, which is more discrete than I’ll ever be.

Once you order from them, they’ll send email coupons, including a Valentine’s Day coupon.  Fun, responsible, and wallet-friendly accessories like these are always a good idea.


Hiding Spreader Bars, How to

January 4, 2009

After having large, cumbersome spreader bars and no dungeon for quite a long time, I thought I’d post how I’ve managed to keep them out of my parents’ and others’ view.

I had two of these things in my college half-a-closet dorm room that I occasionally had to share with a roommate (I could never really keep roomies around…) The problem with spreader bars is to keep them readily available but ….out of sight. So I attached them to the ends of my bed and hung towels and washcloths on em. I would think that anyone who has to pay for the things would want a dual use for em and boy did I find it.

Now I keep them in my room, hanging from my curtain rod covered in a great number of fashion scarves. My mom came to visit me recently and I swear she asked me to make her one in dark red (mine’s Kelly green). Oh, did I laugh….

In the past I’ve used longer bars as curtain rods and as a hanger for some mobiles I’ve made.

Before long, my room will just be a front for an intricate weaving of spreader bars into beds, cabinets, and lamps. One can only hope.


My Christmas List (PG-13 to XXX only)

December 3, 2008

Firstly, here are some items I highly recommend:

Bondage tape: It’s so colorful and although green is suspiciously elusive, redredtape2 and white can be combined for a candy cane effect that can turn anyone into a neatly tied package. I guess Christmas themed condoms will do the trick if you need to match. (Around $7 to $12)

Chocolate Whipped Cream: Sure it’s kind of cliche but have you tasted the chocolate? ($3 – $5)

Body Paint: I prefer the soap kind that washes off in the shower such as the Sesame Street Bubble Bath Finger Paint that way you can wash/paint hair, backs and genitals with no fear of staining, flaking or peeling. ($7 – $9)

And now some things I want:

The Edy “Glam Santa” Corset: I could totally wear this with jeans, right? glamsanta1

Mini Pink Clover Clamps: Probably nothing like the steely traps I’ve encountered but they’re just so damned cute


Lipstick Vibrator: I don’t even masturbate with vibes but I really like toys that think they’re something else ( see: Sex Toy or Household Object Quiz) even so much that I might try em out again- I’ve been trying to get Rae to get one but to no avail.

It’s hard not to get greedy with all these splendid things around…and on sale.


Erotic Holiday Gift Ideas

December 2, 2008

Only 22 more days, people! Time to scramble for something fun, colorful and sexy? You could settle with a Rabbit or fuzzy handcuffs but  I suggest using these erotic gift lists to get you brainstorming.

Top Five Sexy Holiday Gift Ideas   Range: $50 – $800, Source: The Examiner 

This is a very nice list if you have the money for it. All the items are very interesting, the custom paddles caught my eye – I mean who wouldn’t want their name or special message spanked onto their partner’s ass?!

5 Super Sexy Gift Ideas Range: $25 – $130, Source: Your Tango

The list fits my budget a bit better and has some fun-inducing toys. I’m somewhere between the Mini Mile High Kit and the Cheekies undies. Hmmm. 

Erotic Coffee Table Books Range: $25 – $50, Source:

I guess this is good if you’re a sexy book nerd like me. You’ll find that books like this will be browsed through by every guest and followed up with “This is interesting…” and “Wow”

Luxury Sex Toy Gifts for the Holidays Range: $60 – $280, Source:

I guarantee there’s at least one item on this list that you’ve never seen before. If it’s not the the Tuyo vibrating orb then it might be the prostate melting Rude Boy or Designer Silver Wrist Cuffs. These seem like the kind of gifts that would make for an unforgettable Christmas.

Naughty But Nice Gift Ideas: Range: ($1.99 – $60:, Source:

This one is more generic, more PG-13 but I like some of the items as potential stocking stuffers for more vanilla friends.

If I find any other nifty lists, I’ll be sure to add them.


I also get tons of emails about holiday sales and such:

Extreme Restraints: 25% off EVERYTHING – 20% at checkout and 5% rebate for the next purchase (maybe Valentine’s Day?). Good through the 16th. Code: xmas08

EdenFantasys, Boys Like Sex Toys Too : 20% off select toys for him. Good through the 4th so hurry up!! Code:GIFTFORHIM.

Adam and Eve: 50% off one item. No expiration date as far as I can tell. Code: blue


Non-sexy entry but fairly insightful

November 1, 2008

Thank god this is anonymous. As a PsyD hopeful, I often anxious speculate to what kind of rewarding but tedious cases await me in the world of counseling psychology. I anticipate the worst – just in my few years as an amateur sex advisor I’ve encountered some gruesome stories – however, when my coworker talks to me about herself for hours about nothing, I begin to doubt my ability to stick with this.

Everyday for at least an hour, my coworker vents to me about her sex life and her baby. It’s not so much venting as bragging. She talks at me about her affair with some guy when the other guy doesn’t know or does or something. I spent the first few months of our relationship listening intently about her promiscuity and other transgressions but then I realized that she was talking just to talk. When speaking of her personal conflicts, she has no intention of resolving any of them but instead takes pride in an active, deviant sex life that no one probably cares about but me.

She tells me because I won’t judge her (ie You’re a slut for cheating – lol, how could I?) and because she tricks me into listening every time. Now what I’m hoping is that my education teaches me how to get anywhere with one-sided conversations like this. M’s mom, who has an MS in counseling, told me that the degree teaches one how to create goals for people like this that way it gets somewhere. I can’t wait for that one. But my guess is that most people do need to hear themselves talk their way through situations to find solutions much like I do with these blog entries. Hm.

Anywho. Rae ended her diet yesterday and I was able to steal a few kisses.