Posts Tagged ‘Condoms’


F*ck you CVS, I wanna f*ck

October 12, 2008

Made a trip to the CVS to get another season’s worth of pills – I still dread this trip because I know my parents’ insurance for me will be cut off at any moment, it could be a $15 trip or a $75+ one. I can never tell. Luckily it’s still $15 and I can go on with my cyst-free, mittelsmertz-free, baby-free existence. Thank the sweet lord.

So anyway, while I’m waiting for my prescription to be filled, I mosey on down to the family planning section to see what exciting new lubes awaited me. They were all there to be sure, planted next to their latex and lambskin brethren but they were caught in some sort of plastic prison. There were buttons and levers and directions. I, for the life of me, could not see the point of all the stuff but I was certainly discouraged from trying to obtain any of those things. A little further down the aisle were the home pregnancy tests behind lock and key and a sign, “Please contact a salesperson for assistance”

I pray that all these provisions were in place to prevent theft. Even so, aren’t the purchase of these family planning items enough stress without going through all kinds of due process and noisy contraptions? I recall a particular late period, going to buy a pregnancy test…I was younger and I knew what sort of stares buying such a thing would attract. Indeed I got enough looks just being in the aisle – I was nervous, I was scared and incredibly paranoid. It took all I had just to get to the aisle, to the register and out the door. If I had to ask for “assistance” (which I imagine would have rushed me through the selection process), I think I might have lost the nerve. Lord knows I wasn’t or ever will be the only stupid, god-fearing, scared witless teenager to buy a home pregnancy test or condoms, for that matter, so I saw those locks and levers and just felt sad.

When I picked up my prescription I asked the pharmacist about the reasoning behind the family planning lockdown. She told me that “It’s just the way it is here, it just depends on the CVS” and that’s all I got. I tried for a better answer just to find that none of the employees were really sure what the deal was with the family planning section. So, I guess they expected people who really needed those items to grow pair, steal from somewhere else or go without. My guess is that going without was the choice for those who really needed it.


Random Tidbits

October 9, 2008

Here are a few errant ramblings that have surfaced over the past few days…

1) I don’t know the demographics of the readers of this blog, but I hope some of the audience enjoys my non-female, non-bisexual – rather, it’s male (obviously) and homosexual (also probably obvious) – perspective… But you’re all reading about alternative sex anyway, so I doubt I need to worry about offending anyone at the least.

2) I am recovering what turned out to be a moderate cold. On Monday, I was expecting to have a sore throught because of the three-way face-fuck fest I had Sunday afternoon. First let me say it was pretty hot. It was the first time that I was licking the shaft of someone who had his own mouth on the head. Amazing what you can do with nine inches… Anyway, it was one of the best Sunday afternoons I’ve had in a very long time. Second, I’d like to pose a question to my fellow authors and readers of this blog: after giving, uh, vigorous oral sex, do you get sick or at least have a sore throat? (And I mean infection ‘sore’, not bruised ‘sore’.)

3) Sometimes it’s funny how coincidences occur. To think that at brunch on Sunday I was commenting on how I’d like to try out this brand of lube, Swiss Navy. And on Sunday afternoon I got to try it. 🙂

4) I also tried on (aka “fucked with”) a large magnum condom. It was a lot more comfortable, still fit tightly enough, AND… AND… AND!!! it let my foreskin more a LOT more naturally! So hot…


Birth Control Bonanza: How I Hate the Recession

August 18, 2008


It’s important to note that when it comes to birth control, I’ve tried pretty much the gamut of what’s out there – various oral contraceptives, all sorts of condoms, the patch, and the shot. I’ve gotta say, BC is really just plain annoying – simply wishing conception away would be ideal – but in addition to being annoying, it’s terribly expensive if you like to have sex at all.

Compounded with whatever economic chicanery is making everything expensive and the Deficit Reduction Act of 2005 (how is BC not a priority for low income families??!?!1), BC is gradually turning into a sort of frenemy that I come to resent more and more.


As much as I love the brand I’m on now, I’ve considered ditching it for the sake of more produce on my grocery bill and a decent pair of work shoes. I did some [probably faulty] math though and it turns out that the cost of condoms (a trustworthy brand name) would actually exceed that of the pill.


So, what’s next? The pull-out method? Halved lemon rinds and pig bladders? Prayer? I have to speculate that along with a great deal of other fucked up shit, this recession will leave us with more unwanted children unless we all collectively decide to stop having sex. The one thought that fills me with hope is that I’m a shitty makeshift economist who is fantastically wrong and the birth control will run wild and free throughout the nation on the other side of this economic downturn.


And on an even lighter note, I’m glad to hear about middle schools/high schools offering free birth control and, knowing that my parents’ insurance will run out soon, I can pay a surprise, midnight, crowbar-armed visit when mine runs out.